"I" Is For "Integrity"

And then there's also their tenacity and resourcefulness -- Jamie & Ali McMutrie are named "Pittsburghers of The Year."  Take a read down difficult-memory-lane, and get a satisfying, inside look at a traumatic and miraculous time in the lives of 54 children, their new families, and the entire McMutrie family  .  .  .  Their youthful appearances belie their no-nonsense, uncompromising commitment to the children in their care.  Click the link below  .  .  .

 http://www.pittsburghmagazine.com/Pittsburgh-Magazine/January-2011/Pittsburghers-of-the-Year-Jamie-amp-Ali-McMutrie/index.php?cparticle=1&siarticle=0#artanc

Congrats, ladies!

Not Always What You Think

Well, I touched upon some of this months and months ago, and now that kids are closer to coming home, it would be helpful to give an updated primer for friends and fam about the basics we've learned about parenting adoptive children.  This is all in general terms, and only time will tell what is relevant to our two beauties.  I realize I run the risk of sounding like I'm lecturing, but know that my intention is only to share with you what I would want you to teach to me if our roles were reversed.  Knowing makes everything more comfortable; at least, that's how I tend to feel.  And there are so many dear, dear people who've been on this journey alongside us, I want to make certain you sense our gratitude and feel a part of things in a most comfortable way.

First, the general rule of understanding the needs of the kids, and therefore, the decisions of the new parents, is that children who have lived in orphanages have learned that adults are transient and replaceable, and it can take a very, very long time for kids to learn (deeply and with trust) that parents are permanently theirs, forever. 

So, what this means is it's not uncommon for adopted children to show indescriminant (false) affection to everyone, as they've been accustomed to being "everyone's child," as well as to ask strangers if he/she wants to be their mom/dad.  Prior to adoption training (and before talking with lots of adoptive parents), my so-called common sense would have led me to believe that kids acting this way must really bond quickly with people, and that they must have problems at home if they're "shopping" for parents.  Of course, both of these assumptions are quite false.

That leads to the second cardinal rule (if you will) -- that the causes behind many (but not all) behaviors of adopted children may be very, very different than what one might assume based on experiences with your own birth children and the (not-adopted) kids in our classrooms or at the neighbor's house next door, for example.

In an anticipated chronology of events .  .  . Upon homecoming, and for many months thereafter, kids new to the family need loads and loads of calm, quiet time at home with their new parents and siblings -- not only to get to know their new family, but to drink in the sites, sounds, smells  .  .  .  all the things an infant learns while rocked and fed by a mom and dad  .  .  .  stuff that most of us probably don't consider consciously when caring for our newborns.  Yet, this is so critical to security, trust, and familial identity.  In short -- bonding!  Attachment.

Once the family begins to invite guests into the home and venture into more social settings, there may be triggers for the children with which the parents must deal appropriately for the kids and without compromise.  If a situation is too overstimulating, or reminds the child of a fearful moment from their younger days, or lacks the structure he/she still needs, the visit may have to draw to a close earlier than planned.  Please, take no offense; it's likely to happen, but it's not due to your burnt meatloaf or lame jokes.  (Can you feel the love?)

 
Grief upon grief will usually surface as the children begin to bond healthily with their family; when they begin to trust and to love genuinely their parents, they finally feel they have an emotionally safe place to release their pain.  This is a very good sign of attachment and growth.  But it is messy and challenging.  Handled with love -- smart structure and high nurture, the children should come through with coping skills that surpass those of their age-mates.  It does, however, take time, and a lot of it. 

Over the years, developmental milestones and cognitive advancement lead the children to process their losses at increasing degrees of sophistication, and their sense of identity raises challenges in cycles throughout their lives.  Facilitated intuitively, these cycles can provide tremendous self-knowledge, courage, and wisdom.  But it takes patience. 

If you're still reading my cluvercrew blog after all these months, you've already proven your stamina.

And we thank you.

And as questions come to mind, please just ask -- open dialogue is a welcome friend. : )


(images borrowed from the internet)

Two More Hoops Before Four Stockings

Hope is reborn in our home as we await more word on process -- two pieces in particular -- that might, possibly, perhaps, maybe bring home Beatha and Jameson in time for Christmas.

These almost-eleven months have been filled with slow, careful verifications and documentation.  Every "t" crossed and each "i" meticulously dotted.  The children are nearing the realization of their dreams of a future with a family -- a promise of hope for which they have held in their hearts for such a long time.

A Watched Clock Ticks Loudly

tick.

tock.

TICK.

TOCK.

Thurs., 12/9/10 -- Obama Gave HHA His Left-Hand-Scrawl

Help Haiti Act eases adoption process for local family
Ernst Lamothe • Staff writer • December 9, 2010

"Agencies told Josh and Liz Daby to expect 18 to 24 months and the occasional bureaucratic hitch before the paperwork for adopting two children from Haiti was finalized.  While the process remains unfinished more than two years later, the Greece couple received good news from Congress this week that could make their two adoptive Haitian children —Johnny, 3, and Marie, 4, U.S. citizens.

Congress approved the Help Haiti Act and President Barack Obama signed it into law today. The measure instructs the secretary of homeland security to ensure that Haitian orphans receive permanent resident status just like other children adopted abroad by U.S. citizens.

'There is always something that comes up during the adoption process, and we’ve been waiting and trying so hard to finish everything — so anything that makes it easier for us is a blessing,” said Liz Daby, who picked up her adoptive children in Orlando, Fla., in January, almost two weeks after the earthquake. “Now we don’t have to wait years for our children to be U.S. citizens.'

After the Jan. 12 earthquake in the Caribbean country, about 1,000 Haitian orphans were brought to the United Sates for adoption by American families. However, they were placed in a legislative holding pattern in April because the earthquake disrupted the final administrative steps of the adoption process. The Help Haiti bill was introduced to Congress a month later. Without passage, the children might have faced being returned to Haiti if something were to happen to their adoptive families.

'The unprecedented devastation has turned the international adoption process upside down, where it could take years before these children could have any legal status in the U.S,” said U.S. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-N.Y. “In this moment of great uncertainty, we must ensure that these children have the legal protections that they deserve.'

The Dabys, who already had two biological children Emma, 6, and Josiah, 5, recognize the adoption process remains far from finished. With their drafting documents almost completed, they plan to go before Monroe County Family Court in the coming months. Then a judge will determine whether their paperwork is sufficient. Until then, they continue to help their children navigate a new home, culture and language less than a year after they experienced massive calamity in their homeland.

'When the earthquake happened, it was so devastating. We lost some friends there and we were so nervous about getting our children home safe,” said Liz Daby. “We didn’t know how they would adjust in the beginning but they are speaking almost complete English and have adjusted to being part of our family. The process has been difficult, but the end result of us having our kids here has been amazing.'"

This is an article I borrowed from a Google alert; nobody in it I know, personally, and I knew the President's signature was a matter of formality.  Yet, in a process with so many formalities, and many of which put familial relationships on hold for painful amounts of time, it felt really good to see something in the "done" category.

A Season of Waiting and Preparation

DAVID CRARY  The Associated Press

Wednesday, December 1, 2010; 7:04 PM

"-- After months of uncertainty, the way has been cleared for U.S. families to adopt 12 Haitian children who've been living at a Roman Catholic institution near Pittsburgh since a chaotic airlift that followed the devastating earthquake in January.

The Haitian government had sent a letter formally approving the adoptions, State Department spokeswoman Rosemary Macray said Wednesday, and the children will be matched with U.S. families over the coming weeks.

Unlike some 1,100 other children flown out of Haiti to the U.S. after the quake, the children at the Holy Family Institute in Emsworth, Pa., were not part of the adoption process prior to the disaster and, according to some legal experts, shouldn't have been eligible for the emergency program. Most of them had birth parents still living.  However, Macray said those parents, who were interviewed by U.S. officials, have formally relinquished custody.

Since their arrival in Pittsburgh on Jan. 19, the children - ranging in age from almost 2 to 13 - have been staying at the Holy Family Institute.  Preliminary steps were taken to match the children with adoptive families, and those matches will be reviewed to ensure their viability, said the institute's president, Sister Linda Yankoski. She said the four pairs of siblings among the 12 children would be kept together.

Yankoski said the prospective adoptive families are far-flung - from Oregon, Colorado and Illinois, for example. They are not being identified at this stage, and she said it's possible some of the matches could be changed. "We have to come up with a thoughtful transition plan for these children," she said, noting that some of the children didn't understand the concept of adoption and had grown used to living with each other.  "We're going to go at the pace of the child," she said. "We're going to follow their cues."

Initially, the Haitian children were kept largely apart from the American children at Holy Family, but this fall the older ones attended public school. Other highlights of their stay were their first experiences with hot showers and with snow.  "No one had to teach them to make a snowball and throw it - that came naturally," Yankoski said.

She said the children had spoken by phone with their families in Haiti and were expected to remain in contact with them after their adoptions. "It's been a privilege to be of service to these children," Yankoski said. "We're thrilled that we will be able work with them through this step to having a family they can call their own."

The children were part of an airlift of 54 youths from the Bresma orphanage in Haiti's capital, Port-au-Prince, where two Pittsburgh-area sisters, Jamie and Alison McMutrie, had been volunteering for years. The sisters' urgent post-quake pleas for help were heeded - participants in the Jan. 19 airlift included Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell."

It Passed!

The Help Haiti Act reappeared in the House as quickly and mysteriously as it had previously disappeared, and adoptive parents of ~1,200 Haitian children are thankful for the immediate rights and protections it ensures upon finalized, legal adoption.

Additionally, the parents may apply upon finalization of adoption for citizenship for their children rather than having to wait for two years before such application.

Thank you, D.C.!  And thank you to all of you, friends and family, who pesterd legislators on our behalf.  Just waiting for Obama's signature  .  .  .

A Place for Hope to Grow

The Road to Hope is a nonprofit charitable organization that chose to dedicate it's resources to the McMutrie Sisters' nonprofit Haitian Orphan Rescue.  Read the update from The Road to Hope, found below, for exciting details about Jamie and Ali's new orphanage! 

"The continued suffering of the Haitian people, the frustratingly slow speed of the clean up and reconstruction, the outbreak of cholera and the uncertainty of the election has troubled us all. We are proud to inform you of how your donated dollars are making a real difference in the lives of many Haitian children in need TODAY!

Things are in full swing at The Road to Hope. Nouvo Vilaj has decided to start in a beautiful home in the hills above Port au Prince. Since the purchase of land has become so burdened with politics (and timing seems to be so out of our hands), we rented a large, wonderful home so that we can begin caring for children. Jamie and Ali are living there and getting things working beautifully.

They have eight children in the home, a few nannies, a nurse, a couple of cooks and some folks helping take care of land around the home. We are putting in a water filtration system that will provide plenty of clean water and looking at plans for composting. The land already has orange, grapefruit, tangerine, lime and avocado trees, but will soon have potatoes, carrots, coffee, spinach, and green onions growing! We already have a cow, two pigs and chickens. We are working on a chicken coop and safe area for them to live.

What about the community surrounding the orphanage?

Jamie and Ali have helped to keep more than forty children out of orphanage care and with their families! Jamie and Ali, along with The Road to Hope, believe that only children whose families truly cannot or do not want to care for them should be in an orphanage. Jamie and Ali have been a major part of keeping more than thirty families together by helping to provide supplies and formula for those in dire need.


Jamie and Ali help to provide birth control to more than twenty women in the surrounding area. Birth control in Haiti is not only very hard to find, but the education that goes with keeping women on it can be a daunting project. Jamie and Ali travel every month to educate and provide birth control for these women, thereby decreasing the number of children needing to go into orphanage care.

Jamie and Ali provide many pounds of formula for the community. They distribute it for pregnant and breastfeeding women to drink. They provide it for children over two years of age who are no longer breastfeeding. They have also given some cans to women to help facilitate small businesses. They even unofficially "train" them in starting a business. This has been very successful for a number of women.

And there is much more to come. There are plans underway that will reach out to the community and increase self-sustainability for the area in many ways. Stay tuned!


See more pictures and follow our efforts by visiting our website at www.theroadtohope.org"